-John F Kennedy
A few weeks ago, I was at work (waiting tables) when I approached a woman who had joined a table of two dudes I had been serving for over an hour. The guys had been drinking some shitty beer (either Bud Light or Coors Light, it really doesn't make any difference). I asked, "Can I get you anything to drink?" and she replied, "Well, what are they having?" as she looked into each of their urine-colored pint glasses.
I thought about this for a second. "What do you want to drink?" The dressed-in-all-pink-blonde looked almost anxious. "No, really, what are they having?" I gave up at that point. This girl was actually working against thinking for herself. The energy she put into figuring out what the guys were drinking was already so much greater than the energy it took to pick up a menu of what was on tap (and there is a lot - how fun is that - you're at a damn sports bar, you can live a little beyond Coors or Bud Light). So, I ordered what she "wanted" - the beer they were having.
As a human being, you don't just have the option of dry cat food, super dry cat food, 2 day old cat food, or dry cat food every day of your life like my tabby cat Mr. Pickles does. Cause that shit is always just cat food.
You are a human and you have the power - the privelege! - of using your brain. Of making choices. And yes, I know it's hard, thinking for yourself. And this extends so far beyond just beers. Remember that time in the seventh grade that poor Scott Penick was being made fun of for having hearing aides and you actually used your own brain instead of the collective and said out loud that you thought he was actually kinda cute? Yeah, that time, you rose above the "us" and became "you."
It starts happening at an early age. Society wants to take it's giant, ugly, generic, Paris Hilton shaped hammer and make all the little pegs that stick a little bit back get into creepy, neat rows. And there are weird rules about shit like this that you have to follow. Don't wear brown with black. Don't wear white after Labor Day. Don't date a guy shorter than you. Don't date a guy younger than you. Don't date someone of a different race. Don't raise your hand and say you don't know. Don't go to Baltimore because it's a scary, dangerous place. Because, if you do those things, you are gonna go against the grain, and that's bad. It makes people uncomfortable.
You can't say that you actually think that the shirt Donna is wearing at work today is cute when all the other women in the office are talking about how heinous it is behind her back, because then you would be making a show and thinking for yourself. Better to just stay out of it. Or you'll get labeled as one of those people, one of those people who "marches to the beat of their own drum." One of those people who probably sticks their head in a cake during their going away party. I mean, that shit is just plain weird.
It's better to just stay neutral. "I'm staying out of it." "What do you think?" "What do my friends think?" "What do my parents think?" and "What does Kim Kardashian wear?" are all good rules to play it safe by. Then you'll never go astray, and life will be easier, and you can fly under the radar, and whew, won't that be a relief. It's also better to just stay super super neutral and never have an opinion or an idea in your brain about a person. I mean, it's so important (gritting teeth) to be nice (cue image of that one weird Desperate Housewives actress with the unmoving forehead and bright red clown hair that bakes a lot of crap) and politically correct (breaking China dish with freshly baked pineapple upside down cake on it) ALL. THE. TIME. Or nobody is gonna like you!
It absolutely kills me that shows exist like "I Want a Famous Face" and that people walk into plastic surgeons offices with pictures of Jennifer Aniston's nose. You are the only person with your nose, and your face, and your everything; therefore in your natural state, you are just as you-nique as you are gonna get. And that should be celebrated, big time. Celebrated as "big" as Barbra Streisand's nose or as "big" as the gap between Lauren Hutton's two front teeth.
Meh, I'm over it. I don't want to be Kim Kardashian and I don't want to be on Desperate Housewives and I don't want a $50,000 wedding because they are things I don't want even though I've been told these are things I do want, and I know this because at one point in time I connected some synapses in my pea sized brain and did some thinking about it. And - sidebar - it's perfectly ok to like things that everyone likes too, for sure - getting flowers, The Kings of Leon, - but liking it just because everyone else does is SO uniformed sorority girl. I mean, I knew I would hate my sorority because everyone told me sorority girls were fake and awful and oh, wait...I met some of my best friends in my sorority and had a great time and learned an incredible amount about incredible people....how the hell did that happen?
Rant over. You get the point. So get out there and do some thinking today. Sometimes it hurts, but it doesn't hurt as much as seeing your Visa bill after buying that dumbass Louis Voutton bag because K Kardashian likes it, so you liked it too, and you just had to have it....The world needs more people that are bold enough to think that maybe the world isn't flat, or maybe we could actually get into space, or maybe having slaves is a super unethical and shitty idea, or that maybe we could break away from that one huge country and do this shit better on our own.
Trust me on this one. I just read in US Weekly that Your Brain is the New Black.
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