Flake Off, Mother Flaker

It's 8:00 pm. You're craving that special, watermelon vodka infused drink that only Thursday nights at the local bar with your girlfriends can bring. And then...the text messages start pouring in. "I'm just feeling really lame." "It looks like it might rain, not sure if we're still on?" "I'm tired."

You sit down in your pretty dress on your comfy couch, flip on reruns of The Office, and sigh.

I get it. People are getting older. Life happens. Your dog rolls around in crap and needs a bath in a bad way. Folks start pairing off and settling down and don't have as much "time" for friends. But flakiness, in all forms, sucks. You know those friends that, even when you've made plans, give you that horrible, nagging feeling in the back of your brain of She may or may not even show up? Yeah, those people suck. It would be much better if someone said, "Maybe I will, maybe I won't."

It's fine to say no. In fact, it's an admirable quality to be able to just step up to the plate and say, "I don't want to." "I can't." or "Don't count on me." But ignoring text messages and phone calls because you feel bad about flaking out or saying no is passive aggressive, non-adult behavior. I say non-adult because, as an adult with a lot of shit going on at once, I appreciate it when my time is respected.

I had to think long and hard about what it was, exactly, that makes my ass twitch about flakiness. I think it comes down to the fact that flakiness is absolutely coated all over with insincerity. And Insincerity has ugly, yucky twins like Shadiness and Insecurity. It is insincere to tell someone you can't wait to meet up and then never show or make plans. It is insincere to tell someone you'll make it to their wine and cheese party with appetizer in hand, and then text-bail with a stomach ache excuse because you are tired after a long day of work.

Sincerity, quite simply, means that you will do what you said you would. That you can walk the talk. That you can follow through. If you don't mean it, don't say it, if you don't want to come, say you'd rather not, and for the love of God - bailing out via text is impersonal and cold hearted as it gets. Flakiness has become acceptable ("She said she'd come, but she didn't, she's just like that sometimes") because we have accepted it. I have no problem being a hardass and dropping the flakes.

This ugly, twin-sister-of-Insincerity attribute is one I can live without. I love Urban Dictionary's definition of flakiness: To be blown off inexcusably, unreliable, negligent, unresponsive, inconsistent. Sounds like a great synonym would be "fair weathered." Oftentimes, flakiness is also just a cop out for yet another lame attribute running parallel with insincerity - white lies. I distinctly remember being asked out on a date a few years ago, and spending all week thinking about what I'd wear, how I'd do my hair, what poop comments should be avoided upon the first dinner. The dude texted me the whole "so sorry to do this" line, and I played like the cool girl and acted like it was ok (this was hours before said date). I later found out he was getting serious with his Match.com match. Why didn't he just tell me - "Look, I'm actually dating someone else, and I just forgot because I am a dumbass. Sorry." Iwould have appreciated the sincere, direct admission.

I have limited time to do enjoyable, relaxing things, and I'm really over "So sorry to do this, but can we take a rain check?" after I've taken the time to get my lazy ass in front of a mirror and put on mascara, or after I've taken off work so we can "finally get together." It sucks. So flake off, you Mother Flakers out there, and go flake yourself with your fellow flakes. Corn Flake, Snow Flake, Dandruff Flake, Frosted Flake - I don't give a flying flake. I'm stick to your ribs, fill you up, all sincerely-filling-oatmeal, and I don't flake around.