I Know You Are, But WHAT Am I?

It might seem like an innocent thing - asking others what they think about your outfit for the evening, if you should chop your hair and finally go for that pixie cut, or maybe, even, where you should move post college. Those conversations are natural and healthy, and ultimately just your way of working out what you really want to do.

But how about not asking anyone what they thought for a change? How about rocking that brightly colored tights and rainboots combo because you think it looks hot? Who are you dressing for, anyway? Pictured: Socrates says, "Know thyself, bitch!"

Because, you see, no matter how cute you think (and your friends tell you) your outfit is, someone at the bar is going to think it's heinous. And no matter how cutting edge your haircut looks, someone is going to think you look like a dog. And not matter how many Louis Voutton bags you own, somebody else is going to have more. Because validation through others knows no end. It doesn't exist.

If you calculate your life based on the approval of others - weighing your self worth with how many compliments you receive or pats on the back you earn, you're really on a puppy level of appreciating yourself, knowing what truly makes your heart sing, and building your self esteem.

If you backpack South America for bragging rights, move to New York City to be able to tell people back home that you did something badass, hike huge mountains with the prospect of boasting behind it - you're not doing it for you. You're doing it for others, you're doing it so that you can lord it over everyone else that you've done something better, faster, stronger, more intense, more outrageous, than they have. The flipside to this is that someone out there has climbed more mountains, visited more countries, moved more, has a nicer, better, bigger car and a multi million dollar condo in six different countries.

Competition is natural. The human race is obsessed with it - the NFL, the NBA, the Olympics, Gladiators in Ancient Rome. We watch shows like American's Next Top Model and The Amazing Race. We want to be the best. We want to be first. We competed with Russia to see who could get on the moon first. But what's the intention behind it? And what about "The journey is the reward?" You'll always want more, to see more, to do more - and some of this greed is just sheer passion. It's hard to know when to say, "Look, I've got nothing to prove" and take the back seat.

Personally, I think that it's the small things, including conversation, where this has the most opportunity to unfold. If I had believed what others have told me I was about myself - I've been called "irresponsible," "unstable," "unrealistic," "a hardass," "a totally aggressive bitch" - I would be crying in a puddle of my own vomit. At some point, and everyone has a different threshold, you have to say, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" and mean it. Own it. Make it your mantra.

I almost exploded recently when I asked one of my girlfriends where she was applying to grad school. She said, "Not the East Coast. People told me that everyone is mean there and that I wouldn't like it." I said, "Have you ever been there?" She said she hadn't. I cursed up a storm, damning the person who told her her own limits, told her that whoever said that was a complete dipshit, and that she should damn well apply wherever she wanted.

Bottom line: if you play to the crowd that wants you to dance upon command, that validates you based on your ah-mazing accomplishments, you'll be performing the dance of death. The people who are already in your life, already your friends who've seen you fall on your face, your family - those are the ones you should sit up and pay attention to. Chances are, they love you for who you are, not where you live, what you do, or how few wrinkles you have.

I don't give a shit about feathering my hair. I think all of the trendy designer bags are a heinous display of conspicuous consumption. I detest Chelsea Lately and Kim Kardashian and yes, a small part of me will die if you tell me you enjoy them. But what do you care what I think? You shouldn't. If you like something, do it. If you don't like reading books but it seems like you should do it because your girlfriend does, that's a stupid reason to do it. Own who you are. Wear it proudly. Rock it. Don't apologize for it. Go to India, but not for the sole purpose of being able to post 1,000 pictures of yourself on Facebook in front of the Taj Mahal. Go because you've always been enchanted by the pictures of Holi and you want to face uncertain death by certain food poisoning. I'll gladly say, "Guilty as charged!" on the pushing-people-and-pushing-myself-o-meter, and I'm learning to cool it and say, "Well, some of this just isn't everyone's thing."

If you are a homebody and have no desire to leave the country, fine. If you secretly think that all of the high waisted retro-looking pants that are back in style suck big time, reinvent the fifties poodle skirt. If you turn people's heads with your fashion, your actions, your flair - just keep your head held high and keep walking. You don't have to do that Lady Gaga style, because that's reverting back to the constant approval antics, but the bottom line is that if you think something is awesome and want to do it, by God, don't let the opinions of others influence you one way or another.

I'd like to close with one of the opening scences of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead, in which the protagonist, Howard Roark, is having a conversation with the antagonist, Peter Keating, about a post-college graduation job. Roark - who stands for original thought, ingenuinity and the free thinking man, and Keating, the "second hander" - one living through other's approval, have a telling conversation:

Keating: "Well, I don't know why I've come to see you, Howard, but...I'd rather have your opinion (on the matter) than the Dean's."
Roark: "Come on, you're not being afraid of me are you? What do you want to ask me?"
Keating: "It's about my scholarship. The Paris Prize I got."
Roark: "Yes?"
Keating: "It's for four years. But, on the other hand, Guy Francon offered me a job with him some time ago. Today he said it's still open. And I don't know which to take."
Roark: "If you want my advice, Peter, you've made a mistake already. By asking me. By asking anyone. Never ask people. Not about your work. Don't you know what you want? How can you stand it, not to know?"
Keating: "That's what I admire about you, Howard. How do you always know how to decide?"
Roark: "How can you let others decide for you?"

So take the reins. Don't hand them over to anyone - on matters large or small. It's your life, your decisions, your approval. It's freeing and it's humbling to know that you don't have the right to dish that out to anyone else, either. Don't give away your freedom of choice by letting others have it. Conduct your own symphony, choose your own instruments, set your own stage. Challenge the status quo and decide for yourself. Then you can really show Socrates who's boss.