My Halloween Costume is Skankier Than Yours

It's that time of year ladies - time to pull out the fishnets, the fake lashes, the bodices so tight that your aerolas are playing hide and go seek - all with the glorious knowledge that Nobody. Can. Judge. Me. Why? Because it's Halloween, that's why! Duh.

I'm excited to, once again, compare and contrast what the men will be wearing. It'll be scary, or funny, or clever, or most likely, a sign of some haphazard shit they threw together last minute. Because they don't care, and because they don't feel like they have to.

You see, a man would never spend $65 on a sexy bumblebee costume, just like a man would never wax every pubic hair from waist to tail bone, or spray tan before a wedding. He's not going to stress out about waxing his eyebrows before that first date, or hope to God that you don't see him without mascara and foundation for at least the first few months of dating. So why do women care?

Because the TV shows and ads and massive make up aisles and blah di dah tell us to. We all know this. And yes, it's great being a liberated woman in 2011 in the good ole' USofA - no mandatory burkas around these parts - but use this freedom wisely. As a woman, you can get yourself educated, start a business, own property, do stand up comedy, become a professor, and yes, still are the only one that can give birth. That's a lot of power. Don't waste it catering to visual primal needs - you're so much better than that. And Halloween is a pathetic excuse to bring us back to the cave man days, drunken chest beating and all.

I challenge you to squeeze your powerful womanhood into something sexy, yes, of course! But also something classy, something creative, something not sewn together by some poor shoeless child in Bangladesh. If you're thinking of going as a sexy cliche - Dorothy, Cop, Robber, Cavewoman, Maid - you could at least take it a step further and be something sexy that's funny, think sexy garbage woman, or sexy Cookie Monster. This time of year is also about childlike joy, celebrating spooky creepy dead things, and getting creative. Let your sexiness show by your witty costume idea - and keep this rolling throughout the rest of the year. Remember that the dudes you attract by your slut-o-rific Halloween outfit are the dudes you think you deserve. And the bar is low for puke-on-yourself fratter.

Remember: men don't need fuller, longer lashes. They don't (usually) Nair their bodies, burn themselves with irons attempting to get perfect hair, wear shoes that cause their feet to swell up and result in you carrying all their shit (can you imagine a dude asking you to carry you or hold you shoes because his feet hurt?) Rock your fine self, but do so sans the date-me-I-am-desperate look. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to work on my large intestine costume...